Rage against the Machine

I’m so mad. Angry. Ticked off. No. It’s more. Bigger. Deeper. Rage. My body and mind are filled with rage.

I feel the control slipping out of my hands. I can’t hold on any longer. My body is tense. Stiff. My hands. They are no longer mine. A piercing scream escapes me. My insides are going to explode and it’s all going to come out.

It starts small. There is trash on the floor. The trash can is full. One kid is clinging to my leg. The toys are scattered. My stomach is growling. Pants! Where are my pants! There are no clean clothes! I can’t even find a dirty pair. Now I hear more crying and whining. And then it happens…I can’t take it anymore. Everything around me heats up my blood. Fire. My body and mind are on fire. I just want to make it stop. I want to feel peace. I don’t t want to yell. I don’t t want to cause harm. So I search for a release. Anything to make it better. To take it away.

In the past I have found harmful ways to get that release. Now I’m focusing on healthier options. 5 deep breaths in a dark quiet room. The sound of rushing water. Cold water over my face. A quick step outside. A silent prayer. It doesn’t always pull me out of the rage but it does quiet it for a short time. I’m working to live my life with less and less rage. I’m trying to not suppress it but to face it. Rage is just one of the many parts to the ugly beast of depression. Running from it and burying it down deep only add fuel to the fire- causing the eruption to be even bigger when it starts to leak out. Anger is not a bad emotion. Feeling it does make me a bad person. Learning to face anger in healthy ways is empowering. It allows me to have some control. Dealing with my anger in healthy ways can bring more peace and calm into my life. So here’s to rage and facing it head on.

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