Some days are really dark and I feel trapped in my own mind with no one to hear my cries. Today I want to share a few of those thoughts in the form of a letter to the one who loves me.
I know your frustrated and so am I. I hate that I hate myself and that I hate my life. I’m trying so hard to get better. It feels like it’s not working and I’m just defeated. I don’t know what else to do or try. It’s isolating. Every time I ask for your help or take you away from school I feel guilty. It’s my fault if the school doesn’t work out and my fault if you don’t pass because I couldn’t give you more. I’m barely surviving each day. I often want to sleep and not wake up. But that wouldn’t even make things stop. I would still be trapped with my mind. Only completely erasing my existence would make it stop. But that’s not possible. So I’m trapped. I’ve been trying so hard to get out and sometimes I’m slightly successful. But now I’m so defeated I just want it to take me. But it won’t and it can’t. I wish this was something you could more easily see- like if it showed up as black spots covering my body instead of inside my mind. Maybe then you would believe me and just be able to help me bandage the black wounds and help them heal. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m sorry that I’m plaguing you with my blackness. I wish I could take it away and keep it from you. I’m sorry for the damage I cause. If I could take it away I would.