The First Time *Trigger Warning*

Our stories have no beginning or end but here is my beginning

Today I was reminded of the first time. The first time I wanted to kill myself. It was on a slide- a metal one that was part of a homemade tree fort. I said it out loud to my two friends out of anger. “Fine I’ll just go kill myself.” I really felt it and was not just using it as an expression. This was when I was in 4th or 5th grade.

A few years later I said it again. This time to a friend while I was at a camp. We had been crying about everything there is to cry about, and I let it out.

The other times are a little blurry. Except for the first time I sort of acted on those dark thoughts. It should not have happened. Life was going fairly great. Living in Honduras was like a dream! Teaching others about Jesus filled my life with happiness. How was it possible to be happy and be filled with such utter despair. I wanted to do it but I knew better. I still had some reason left. I only took two extra pills. I knew it would only make me sleep long. Hopefully I would wake up and the thick darkness would be lifted. I woke up on the bathroom floor. Of course I covered up what was really going on when my friends found me lying there.

Covering it up can be the easy part. Making up a reason to it all. Putting on more than a happy face. Having a happy life. Its not that hard to do when life really is going well. Everyone has their struggles but I don’t feel like I’ve had anything happen to me that would cause such debilitating sadness. It’s easy for people to believe that all is well when the part of the iceberg they see looks so ordinary. Plus its not like the black is always present.

Sometimes I trick myself into believing that its gone. The darkness is at bay and never will return. I know its a lie. As soon as I allow myself to truly feel the warmth of joy the reality of what is soon to come enters into my mind. The darkness will return, it always does. Never knowing when it will come or what it will bring, I try to hold onto the joy as long it will allow.

Within the last few years some of the truth started to come out. There is only person that I can’t completely mask the dark abyss that I’m trying to walk through. My husband. The first time some of the dark leaked out was in the car. We were driving that night-a dark car driving through towns is the best time to be vulnerable anyone. The person driving can’t see your face enough to see all the truth in your eyes. He was devastated to hear it. Knowing that I caused him any pain stung. Those were the first tears I had seen him shed. Along with the sting of seeing his pain was relief. I didn’t have to hide as much. Of course I would still hide but having a little more truth out felt soothing. It was a beginning. A beginning to letting the darkness out. Today, now, writing this. It’s another beginning. People don’t know my darkness. I don’t want them to know, yet I do. Letting the darkness escape is….Well, I don’t know yet. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it will help someone else. I do believe that the challenges we are given have a divine purpose. I left wondering many times whats the purpose to mine?

Maybe you are reading this as a family member, a friend, a stranger. Maybe you have struggled with this darkness. Or perhaps someone you know has confided in you. There is most likely someone in your life that is afflicted with this ugly darkness known as depression. As I open up my closet of secrets and let you peer into the deepest parts of me, I hope you are able to gain some understanding for yourself or for someone else. Its terrifying to relinquish control of this part of my life to anyone who happens to read this. But- I feel like I need to and for some reason that it will be worth it.

4 Comments

  1. I struggle with depression. Lost my uncle and my mother back in sept of 2017 to suicide. Just before this was when my depression peaked at an all time high. I got so scared of where my mind was going that I texted my mom telling her I was scared, depressed and needed help. She didn’t respond.. little did I know she had just taken her life. So.. I messaged my grandmother 5 days later saying I hadn’t heard back from her and I was scared That I was suicidal and needed help. She then told me she was outside my dorm (which was odd considering she lived on the other side of the states). This being the day I came close to taking my own life I walk outside thinking I was going to get the help I needed… only to be greeted by the words “your mother killed herself”. I remember just crippling to the ground and feeling like my life just ended. My world hasn’t been the same since. Feeling so alone even with a wonderful group of friends and coworkers… I literally feel like I’m by myself at all times. I found my mother hardly holding onto her life when I was 13 and ever since I swore I wouldn’t let her do it again. So a piece of me still holds onto that even knowing I place no fault in her death. A year later I had moved into my own place and one evening I just got this scary feeling inside and I didn’t know where it came from or why.. but I wanted to die. I cried for hours and messaged my counselor saying I was ready to go on meds. I was scared if I didn’t… I wouldn’t be able to last. I’m not off the meds. Somewhat in a better place now, but what makes me feel like things are okay… is when I see posts like this. Someone reaching out and showing us that we are not alone. Although still heartbreaking.. it brings some comfort. Thank you for opening up….. truly.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing with me! Thank you for choosing to stay despite how challenging it can be. You are strong and oh so brave! Hearing your experience helps me to know that I am not alone in this.

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  2. I have spent years battling with depression and suicidal thoughts. When my brother died suddenly just over a year ago, something in me changed, I decided enough is enough, now I want to live but the journey out of the darkness is a long and bumpy one. I have been seeing a Psychotherapist for almost a year, which seems to be helping. Thank you for sharing your story.

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